Madame DeChevre & the Silk Scrolls

-1 banana

-1 to 1.5 cups of non-dairy milk

-1 tbsp of each: peanut butter, almonds, dark chocolate chips, unsweetened shredded coconut

Blend! Pour into a glass!

It tastes like cookies! Wow!

Holy jesus this is amazing. I have not been able to eat alfredo for over a year. It used to be one of my favourite foods of all time and I missed it so much. But now, at last, I have made a convincing vegan replica using vegan cheese and, wait for it, avocados. Weird right? Yes, but also the most delicious vegan thing I have ever eaten.

You will need:

-fettuccine

-an avocado

-non-dairy milk (I like soy for this)

-vegan margarine

-nutritional yeast

-melty vegan cheese (like daiya)

-garlic powder (or sauteed fresh garlic)

-salt

1. Cook up some fettuccine noodles according to package directions. Drain and set aside.

2. In a blender,  puree one small avocado with however much soy milk you need to make it blend.

3. In a saucepan over medium-low, melt 2 tbsp of vegan margarine. Add 1 tbsp of nutritional yeast, 1/4 tsp garlic powder, some salt (don’t be stingey, salt is important here), 1/2 a cup of daiya or other melty vegan cheese, and 1/2 cup of soy milk. Whisk it all together until smooth. Remove from heat, stir in avocado puree.

4. Serve sauce over pasta. REVEL IN THE DELICIOUSNESS. Oh wow.

Note 1: You can omit the avocado if you really, really hate avocado. The result will be, basically, a stronger-tasting cheese sauce. It will taste more like cheese sauce and less like alfredo sauce. Other people use extra cashew puree, vegan cream cheese, soy creamer, etc to compensate for it, so you could always try one of those.

Note 2: You can dress this up in all kinds of exciting ways. Add some vegan chicken, some sauteed vegetables, some roasted red pepper puree, or whatever. You can also combine equal parts alfredo sauce and tomato sauce to make a rose sauce.

THESE COOKIES ARE GOOD IF YOU BAKE THEM, BUT HOLY JESUS DO THEY MAKE THE BEST RAW DOUGH EVER. (With no danger of salmonella because there are no eggs in them. Hypochrondriacs go to!)

Preheat oven to 350 if you intend to bake them and prep your baking trays or whatever (grease, parchment paper, etc).

-1 cup vegan margarine

-3/4 cup sugar

-2 tbsp custard powder or cornstarch

-6 tbsp almond milk

-1 package pudding mix (instant recommended, I used cookable pudding mix) Note: coconut is DELICIOUS but you can use whatever you have

-1 tsp vanilla

Stir the custard powder into the almond milk to make a paste. Beat in the margarine, sugar, pudding mix, and vanilla.

-2 cups flour

-2 tsps baking powder or 1 tsp baking soda

Sift these into the margarine mixture and combine. Then stir in:

-1 cup chopped almonds (can substitute other nuts if desired, or omit, or replace partly with shredded coconut)

-1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

If your dough is crumbly, add more almond milk, one teaspoon at a time, until it comes together.

If all you want is raw cookie dough then you’re done! Keep it refrigerated! (Ideally I would roll the dough into a bunch of little chunks, refrigerate, and then stir into some vegan ice cream- either the uber-expensive store-bought kind, or the cheap pureed-frozen-bananas kind).

If you want to actually make cookies then make roll the dough into little tablespoon-sized balls , place on baking sheet, and flatten slightly with the palm of your hand. Then bake them for about 10 minutes or until the bottom/edges become golden. The more you bake, the less soft and chewy they will be, obviously.

Per serving:

-1/2 cup canned black beans, drained and rinsed

-1-2 tbsp nutritional yeast

-1/4 tsp cumin

-1/4 tsp garlic powder

-1 tbsp oil (I used avocado)

-1/2 tsp lemon juice (or to taste)

-1/8 tsp salt (or to taste)

-water, as needed

Put all the ingredients except water in a blender and blend. Add water as needed so the blender doesn’t jam.

Serve dip, warm, with potato chips, crackers, pitas, tortilla chips, etc.

Cook’s Notes: So I’m a vegan who is picky about legumes, vegetables, and fruits. (Yeah. I have the palate of a five-year-old). I made this dip for myself because I don’t really like black beans. And thankfully this doesn’t taste all that much like black beans. It is creamy and a bit cheesy and frankly really good.

-1 cup margarine

-1 and 1/2 cups confectioner’s sugar (or 1 cup granulated sugar of your choice)

-1 tsp vanilla

-2 tbsp custard powder (or cornstarch)

-1/4 cup caramel-flavoured chocolate syrup (or regular chocolate syrup for chocolate sugar cookies or omit altogether for regular sugar cookies)

-1/4 cup almond milk (or other non-dairy milk)

-2 and 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

-1/4 tsp salt

-1 tsp baking powder (I actually omitted this in my first batch and they turned out fine)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream together margarine and sugar. Beat in vanilla, custard powder, syrup, and almond milk. Gently stir in flour, salt, and baking powder.

Bake cookies on cookie sheet until firm and slightly browned on the bottom (about 10 minutes). Store in an airtight container.

Optional: Chocolate Caramel Frosting

-1/3 cup margarine

-2 cups confectioner’s sugar (or more to achieve desired taste/texture)

-1/2 tsp vanilla

-2 tbsp chocolate caramel syrup

Whisk all together until smooth.

Fruit Bowl Spice Cake

-1 package organic golden/vanilla cake mix

-3 apples, chopped (you can leave the skins on, if you wish) OR 2/3 cup of applesauce

-2 bananas

-1 tbsp cinnamon (or to taste)

-1 tsp ginger (or to taste)

-1/2 cup almond milk

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a 9X13 pan.

In a saucepan over medium heat, combine the apples with about half a cup of water and the cinnamon. Cook until apples are tender and remove from heat. (If you are using the applesauce, just mix in the cinnamon and continue on to next step).

In a blender, puree the apple mix, bananas, ginger, and almond milk until smooth. Transfer to bowl and stir in the cake mix. Pour batter into pan and bake until cake springs back to touch and a fork inserted in center comes out clean.

French Vanilla Buttercream

-1/3 cup margarine

-2 cups icing sugar to start (add more as need to achieve desired taste/texture)

-1 tbsp french vanilla soy creamer (you can use non-dairy milk here, but if you can get the creamer it really does improve the frosting tenfold)

-1/2 tsp vanilla (less if you want your frosting to be paler)

Cream together the margarine and sugar until smooth. Add more sugar if needed. Add creamer and vanilla and whisk with a fork until smooth. Make more frosting if you like lots and lots of frosting. But this makes a fairly generous amount.

Frost cooled cake.

Notes: This is supposed to make a dense, moist, spongy cake. Not a light and fluffy cake. The apples/applesauce is used as a substitute for the usual oil called for in cake mixes, and the bananas stand in for eggs. This cake was rated 9/10 by my omnivorous friend, who said he would prefer it over the local vegan bakery’s carrot cake. In other words, despite all the fruit, it is, apparently, still pretty tasty.

(Serves 1)

-1 golden baking potato, medium-size, diced

-1/2 cup or so of firm tofu (drain, squeeze out excess water, break into smallish pieces)

-drizzle of oil (for frying)

-2 tbsp nutritional yeast

-shake of curry powder of your choice

-shake of cumin

-salt to taste

-sprinkle of lemon pepper seasoning or lemon juice

-optional: chopped garlic, onions, tomatoes, etc.

Combine everything in a pan over medium-low heat. Cook, stirring around the pan occasionally, until the potatoes are cooked and the tofu is a bit crisp on the outside. (Takes about ten minutes for me).

Eat with toast, if you like.

Note: I know nothing about cooking tofu and was really wary about trying (because bad tofu is really unpleasant) but this was super easy and delicious.

-7 or some ridiculous number of oreos (the junk food no one knows is vegan)

-1 cup of almond milk (or other non-dairy milk if you’re unholy)

-a frozen banana (for texture and nutrients or whatever)

-1/3 cup coconut milk (the food that almost makes you stop crying because you can’t eat real ice cream anymore)

Blend them all into oblivion!

And then eat your cookie-flavoured abyss.

(No really it turns a weird, dark colour. If you don’t want it to do such an ungodly thing, you can blend everything but the oreos thoroughly, and then throw the oreos in but just pulse briefly so they don’t get pureed. I skipped that extra step because I am lazy lazy lazy.)

-4 cups oats

-1/3 cup ground or chopped walnuts

-2/3 cup ground or chopped almonds

-1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut

-3 tbsp raw sugar

-1 1/2 tsp cinnamon

-1/2 tsp ginger (or more, I like a lot of ginger)

-1/2 tsp salt

-1/2 cup of syrup (maple, agave, or whatever; I have tried this with cheap  pancake syrup and it works fine)

-1/3 cup oil (I used peanut)

Preheat oven to 300. Whisk together the oil, syrup, salt, sugar, ginger, and cinnamon. Combine with the coconut, nuts, and oats. (Don’t worry too much if it’s dry- this just means it won’t clump well. Add some extra syrup and oil if you like.)

Spread mixture out over a 9X13” baking sheet. Bake in oven. Make sure you check in on it at least every ten minutes to stir it around and keep it from burning. Leave it in for about half an hour or until it’s all light brown and toasty. (If it doesn’t seem dry enough, don’t worry- it will dry out a lot as it cools). Leave to cool on the counter, uncovered. When the granola is cool and dry, you can store it in an airtight container at room temperature.

Serving Note: Granola is pretty rich and dense. I like to mix it 50/50 with some kind of blander cereal (like a crisp rice cereal) if what I want is a huge bowl of cereal to eat. Also, this mix goes really well with almond milk.

-1 cup non-dairy milk (almond or soy recommended)

-1/4 cup coconut milk

-2 bananas (fresh or frozen)

Blend all until smooth. Makes 1 serving.

Variations:

-add 1 tbsp chocolate syrup

-use pineapple juice instead of non-dairy milk

-add 1/4 tsp cinnamon and 1/8 tsp ginger

-add other fruits, fresh or frozen, such as mango or strawberries (increase milks if necessary)

-add 1/3 cup non-dairy yogurt